


When Evil Has Come To Your Door

by like-i-love-you (Iron_Sidhe)



Category: American Idol RPF, Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 15:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7110418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iron_Sidhe/pseuds/like-i-love-you
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After two of the most important people in his life die Andy has to find his way to a new life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Evil Has Come To Your Door

**Author's Note:**

> Previously published 12/14/09

It’s striking, the contrast of skin -white and black-, and it makes Andy feel paler than usual. Derek maybe shouldn’t be here, said as much before he gave in and let go. Derek was talking about lines he couldn’t cross, the space between his job and the families of victims, and it sounded to Andy like he’d dealt with this before, only... “You’re family today too. You lost some one.” Finally Derek had held still and Andy leaned it.

Andy thinks that color shouldn’t matter; Derek is good at his job and a good man. He wants this to mean a little more than desperation. He just wants to feel something good, to block out the pain and the memories if only for a while, but there is respect here- Derek isn’t just convenient. So maybe color shouldn’t matter and maybe it does a little. Andy’s going to let this first mean something, Derek deserves that much and Andy needs to remember the world goes on- although he won’t believe until much later. 

White against black in the light and shadows of a dim room and Andy just holds on.

A year later and yet again he wakes from a nightmare he cannot remember, or in truth does not want to, hand already out stretched for his phone. The crash, as he realizes they’re not there and there is no one to call, leaves another mark on his battered heart- just like every time. He could call his parents, knows they’d answer no matter the time, knows they’d try but... He can always hear the pain in their voices because they can’t fix this, fix him or Alexis- one more person he can’t call.

He has never once felt like he betrayed her. In another universe he would have told her, and it would have been hard, but they would have gotten through it. In this universe he knows the truth can only drive a wedge between them he could never repair. So he doesn’t call enough though they both miss bright blue eyes and the same tattooed hands that used to touch their skin.

He scrolls through his phone as if he’ll find someone to call. It’s filled with people he doesn’t talk to anymore, though he keeps hoping things will change, and people he can’t talk to, not about this. He scrolls past Kyle in the Ks and thinks again about deleting his number. He’s not angry any more but it’s still hard remembering the way Kyle had pulled away. Andy knows Kyle was only trying to heal the best he knew how because he had Hayden to think of. Kyle has Hayden and Nicole and there are still days Andy feels like he has nothing left.

He hovers overs over Derek, still under Morgan in the Ms and entered before it got personal- for Derek and then between them when it was all over. He hasn’t called so many times before and in the end tonight is no different, he keeps scrolling. He doesn’t know what he would say anyway. He winds up spending the rest of the night with the TV on, not really watching but unable to sleep.

The day Andy gives in and calls isn’t special- not an anniversary or birthday or anything sentimental. He’s shopping for groceries, grateful that these days people leave him alone even if they do recognize him. He’s grabbing a dozen eggs when Light On comes on, loud and clear as it gets in a store- he’s right under a speaker-, and the carton falls from his hand. His chest feels tight and he can’t breathe right. He exits the store without thinking about it, just needing to get away, though he doesn’t run. He’s out in his car with the entry highlighted in his contact list before he can really breathe again. When he hits send he’s not in survival/panic mode, he knows exactly what he’s doing, except for all the ways he doesn’t.

The voice that answers sounds surprised and worn out. “Andy?” He doesn’t know what he’s going to say until he’s saying it. “When can you finally breathe again?” He knows Derek will understand what he means and thinks he never should have called. He hears the soft exhale like a weary sigh and already knows the answer he’s going to get. “I don’t know.”

They talk longer, and less about the shared history that fills his nightmares, than Andy expected. This time when they say goodbye he lets the words out. “Can I call again?” All those months ago he hadn’t wanted to be one more reminder. Now he knows that one reminder more or less doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to how much it hurts, and oh how it hurts.

It’s been six months, Andy’s been calling Derek on a regular basis for most of them now, and Derek calls him. Those phone calls are the best thing in his life. They are so very different and yet they never run out of things to talk about though there are things they’ve been avoiding- like the obvious.

Of course that hell is wrapped around everything they share, in the silences when a story brings up a memory. When Derek shares something from work and feels like he’s left Penelope out. (Except he hasn’t, the unit’s new technical analyst is named Bendon, Charles Bendon. He was not amused when Derek called him Baby Girl because he forgot she wasn’t on the other end of the line.) When Andy glosses over having gone out because it doesn’t feel relevant when Neal and Dave aren’t there (will never be there again). It’s there in the nightmares Andy doesn’t talk about, but, whenever he gets so tired that Derek calls him on it and he says “I haven’t been sleeping well”, they both know what he means. 

They don’t talk about that last night, when Andy pushed- just a little-, when Derek finally caved- and they were both so broken and griping a little too tight as if they could hold the broken pieces in. Andy went home to Tulsa with finger shaped bruises on his skin. They fit Derek’s hands but each one said Neal and David are dead and when he thought he would scream he pressed those tender spots and welcomed the simpler pain.

Derek is becoming more than a lifeline on the other end of the phone. Andy wants to talk to someone who might understand but the only person left is Jennie and he took her number out of his phone for a reason. He could call and she would answer but it wouldn’t be good for either of them. They struggle with boundaries, the pull of years of shared history drawing them in, moth to the flame, but they ended things for a reason. Andy’s the one who cut the strings that last time so that Jennie could really be happy. (As far as he knows she is. And Andy- he was more than happy, he was home- for eight beautiful months.)

When Andy gets on the plane it’s been two years since he last saw Derek. He has no idea how this trip is going to go, no expectations, and the only comfort is knowing Derek has no idea either. Andy certainly has hopes, there hasn’t been anyone since Derek and, though it happened for the wrong reasons- was maybe even a little fucked up-, it was still good.

He knows they can’t ignore the hell that brought them together. (It won’t be the first time he’s cried in front of Derek.) Derek has a guest room, but Andy has a hotel room booked just in case. It has nothing to do with Derek and he’s been up front about the room- keeping secrets like that now... Derek has seen him at his lowest and most vulnerable and if Andy couldn’t trust him he wouldn’t be on the plane. (He’s not trying to out run the past but just maybe going to face it a little bit more.) Maybe there are some things he knows he might not be ready to share yet (and maybe he’s afraid of feeling flayed open), so yeah, he booked a hotel room.

Andy’s spent too much of the flight trying not to think about things, and now he has a headache and just wants to curl up (to hide but he’s not hiding anymore, it’s just one more reason he’s here). When he sees Derek waiting at the baggage claim Andy’s face lights up and his smile is genuine. They may not know what they’re doing or where they’re going, but they’re doing something right. For the moment there’s nowhere else Andy wants to be.

This time when Andy says goodbye to Derek he is not covered in marks of desperation (they never even kissed), and he knows he’s coming back. He spent the weekend trading stories and tears, sharing with Derek the most important people in his life the other man will never get to meet. Derek in turn had painted a picture of a vivacious woman who loved life and Andy knew Derek understood what he meant when he’d said “The world will never be as bright.”

Back at home in Tulsa Andy finds himself living more and sleeping better. He finally takes his parents up on their offer to come over for dinner once a week. It’s easier then he feared, they can see he’s doing better and their worry doesn’t weave it’s self throughout every conversation. Now, when he wants to tell them, to say “Neal and I” (but he would never put them in that position between their children), he knows he can go home and call Derek.

Andy cook’s more, eats less junk, and gets more exercise. He doesn’t know what the future holds but he’s beginning to see that there is a future for him. Life goes on and he finds that he is going with it. He stops going to the cemetery every week, and he eventually just stops going at all. He knows he hasn’t been but he doesn’t want to analyze it so he lets it go.

When Andy finally goes to the cemetery again (already late in the afternoon) there’s another plane ticket to Virginia in his pocket. He knows he’s been avoiding this but he can’t put it off any longer, not if he wants to keep moving forward. He sits beside the gravestone for half an hour or more, just trying to find his words, until finally the tears fall. After, when he’s pulled himself together, he knows what he needs to say.

“I miss you. I lost this whole piece of me and there is no one left in my life who ever knew just how we fit. The happiest moments of my life were with you and I held them in like secrets for far too long. I haven’t told her, can’t tell her not now. For a long time I didn’t think I would ever breathe freely again. I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there, getting better. I’ve found someone I can talk to about everything, about you. His name is Derek, Derek Morgan. He’s one of the FBI agents I mentioned before.” (Back when Andy was talking about the case and getting the bastard, not about his heart.)

It’s dark when Andy finally falls silent, listening to the chirping of the crickets and the rustling of the leaves from the slight breeze. He sits in silence until the wind picks up and the slight evening chill begins to sap his warmth. He rises slowly after so long sitting on the ground, and rests a hand on the top of Neal’s gravestone for several long moments. “I love you. I will always love you.” And Andy turns to go.

Andy is flying home tomorrow and finally, finally they’re doing this. Derek’s mouth is warm on his, hungry and urgent but not desperate, not like last time. Andy mostly isn’t thinking about last time at all. The wall behind his back feels solid and necessary, keeping him upright. Derek’s grip is strong but not bruising. They’re losing clothing and don’t seem likely to make it to the bed but he doesn’t care at all, he just wants more.

When Derek finally reaches for him Andy is more than ready and knows he won’t last long. Derek is just as hard when Andy takes him in hand and it’s all over for both of them in moments. The night stretches before them as they make their way to the bed. Andy can sleep on the plane.

They’ve been talking about Derek coming out to Tulsa but it takes a couple weeks before Derek is able to schedule a four day weekend (three more weeks away). Andy decides it’s time to talk to his parents, not because he wants to bring Derek home now but he wants the option. He wants telling his parents about Derek to be about Derek and not about him coming out.

He’s always known he could talk to his parents; he was just waiting for a relationship that felt important enough to bother. And then there was Neal with all that history and it felt like maybe they’d been courting each other for years. He was only waiting to talk his parents in person.

(They were supposed to go home the next weekend. Instead Andy flew Neal home in a wooden box, Dave too, because of course he was on that fucking plane. He wasn’t going to let them make that last journey alone. Except, Dave was alone from Tulsa to Blue Springs and he felt bad, still feels bad, but it was Neal. So yeah he got off the plane in Tulsa and waited with the casket, with Neal, until the funeral home showed up. Until they took Neal and Andy couldn’t follow, not where he was going- not ever again.)

Andy is at the airport waiting for Derek's flight to land. It hasn’t gotten any easier coming to this airport, but when he first sees Derek he manages a small smile and he really does mean it. They don’t do more than hug in greeting but Andy grips just a little bit tighter for their surroundings and Derek doesn’t mind.

Andy takes Derek to some of the places that mean so much to him- they’re all places that make him think of Neal, and mostly of Dave too. Of course they still manage to spend plenty of time in bed. (Andy maybe a little needier with his emotions running high, but there are no ghosts in their bed and Neal never lived here anyhow.) Andy’s mom calls several times to invite them both to dinner and the last time Derek says lets go, so they do. (It goes better than Andy imagined and he mostly doesn’t think about Neal.)

Derek goes home and Andy finds himself feeling at loose ends. He’s in Tulsa because his parents are here, because Neal is... (Not here but this is as close as Andy can get.) He starts playing his guitar again but mostly he spends his days feeling lonely, missing Neal and Dave and Derek. He’s ready to do more than just get by (he’s been doing more he just hadn’t realized how much he wanted it). He starts thinking about where he wants to be and what he wants to do. It’s time to start making plans for the rest of his life. (He is alive.)

This time when Andy gets on the plane he’s more stressed by the words he's been keeping in (not I love you, they’ve said that already) than he is by the airport. Part of him wants to wait until the end of the trip because ‘what if this changes everything’ but he knows he’d never relax and Derek would see right through him.

He waits until they get back to Derek’s place, even though the car ride feels strange. He’s barely set his bags down but Derek knows something is up and the words are coming out. “I want to move to Virginia.” Derek is silent for a moment and Andy knows they have something real but it doesn’t stop the butterflies worrying about to fast too soon.

“Move in with me?” Derek seems surprised at the words himself and Andy was not expecting that. “I’ve thought about it and I thought I would wait, that I should wait, but...” It only takes Andy a second to answer. “Yes.” Derek is a good thing and he knows how fleeting good things can be.

Tomorrow Derek will go chase monsters. He’s gone a lot, for days at a time, and he can’t help but bring a little darkness home with him. Andy shouldn’t be in Virginia if he wants to get back to music- he’s actually been playing his guitar. Derek knows the job kills relationships. (It’s not enough to stop him from holding on as long as he can.) He mentions that last concern while Andy is unpacking one of his last boxes.

Andy stills a moment before rising and turning. “There are monsters out there.” He says it like a man with personal experience, and Derek knows he is. “If we do nothing we just invite them that much sooner to our door.” He wraps his arms around Derek. The shudders are so slight they would be easy to miss, but Derek doesn’t. The shaky sigh ghosts past Derek’s ear in a puff of warm air, but the words that follow are strong. “I’ve been to hell and back again. I can handle the job.”

White and black (only Andy sees strong, intelligent, love before he’s sees color and Derek sees a survivor though Andy doesn’t know that) so not white and black but strength and love in the light of a new day, a new beginning, and Andy just holds on.


End file.
